December 16

Regrets, I’ve had a few;

But then again, too few to mention.

~ Frank Sinatra

When I was in my twenties, I did something that I regret to this day.

One of my first jobs was with a news agency in Jo’burg, a bit of a sweatshop but a great place to learn how to write fast. There’s nothing worse for a reporter than to hum and haw endlessly over how you are going to present a story. Learning to use gut feel to identify the real story and get on with writing it in the minimum of time is a great professional attribute.

Anyhow, the boss was a nice guy who took me under his wing and gave me some really choice assignments, so I felt my career was advancing well. It was also bandied about the office that I could be in line for a really good posting.

Well, it didn’t turn out like that. One day it was announced that one of my colleagues had got the job. I was cross – no, livid – and a couple of months later I moved on to another company.

Years later I was a guest at a dinner party where, surprise, surprise, another guest was my former boss. Well, after fortifying myself with a few solid drinks I wasted no time in giving him a piece of my mind for passing me over all those years before.

The next day, the next month, I don’t really remember, it dawned on me what an awful thing I had done. He was the boss, he had to make a decision about who to promote.

One guy was winner, all the rest had to be losers. His decision, right or wrong. Too bad for the losers.

The question I ask myself, is do we have to live with regrets? How do we live with regrets? We’re told to put things behind us, to move on, to put on a smile and forge ahead, blah, blah blah.

After you’ve done something really stupid, at first you feel denial and bewilderment, ‘How could I have possibly done that?’ then feelings of self-beratement, ‘I could kick myself!’ People tell you, when they’re trying to help, is that ‘Time heals all wounds’ but sometimes it’s just an infinite loop of denial, bewilderment and punishment.

We’re not used to dealing with pain. We’re used to throwing money or technology at problems and they go away. Pain comes from realising that this time, those solutions won’t work.

You can take some comfort in realizing that you are not alone. If you Google ‘regret’ and ‘boss’ you get about nine million hits, while ‘regret’ and ‘drink’ will get you 14 million. ‘Regret’ on its own gets 60 million. There is a lot of pain out there and you might find some comfort in realizing you’re not alone with your regrets.

I’m told that the only people who live totally without regret are sociopaths and the brain damaged.

But if we are perfectionists, which we all are in our own way, if we really, really want to do things correctly in our lives then it is only right that we should feel pain when things go wrong. It is only from the pain that you learn that there could, no should, have been another way.

We need to love the flawed things we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. What we can learn from regret is that we can do better.

We need to learn how to laugh at ourselves, our imperfect selves, our mistakes, and promise to do better next time, because there will be a next time.

* * *

Speaking of regrets, did I tell you the one about the woman who awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, erm, kissing?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend 20 years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know . . . I would have been released today.”